Archives for posts with tag: Abraham

When I translate the Torah, I’ll translate the names. Not to do so is a cop-out, in my opiniated opinion.

Moses will be Drew, because Pharaoh’s daughter drew him out of the water.

Tziporah will be Birdie.

I don’t have it all worked out yet–don’t rush me.

Abram–אב רם/Av Ram–will be Big Daddy, like the guy who gave his name to the Greek restaurant chain.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to Abraham–אברהם/Avraham–although we’re way past his stories in the Torah reading, and I think I finally got it. God says he gets the name because he’s going to be father of loads of peoples, אב המון גוים/Av hamon goyim. Don’t take my word for it, look for yourself, in Genesis 17. But the Hebrew name Avraham doesn’t have much to do with Av Hamon Goyim. Where’s the R (resh) in “Av Hamon Goyim,” eh? Where are the G (gimel) and N (nun) in “Avraham”?

At this point, I invite my readers of delicate sensibility to stop reading. I can’t tell you why; it’s not appropriate for you even to think of such things.

Okay, adult readers. What do we know about Abraham? He had a tent with no sides, he ruined  his Daddy’s merchandise? No, that’s midrash and not in the Torah. What’s in the Torah is that he trimmed his pecker, to put it bluntly.

You can try and try to make “Father”-of-something out of  “Av-raham,” but your answer will always fall short. You have to break the whole name into two words, but make the break at a different point. The result is אבר הם, Ever Ham.

In English, we have lots of words for the male organ or membrum virile or penis or pecker or wiener or whatever else you call it.

Hebrew has a rich list, too, but one of the words used is the same word used for a limb: אבר, the first three letters of Abraham’s name. The last two letters, הם/Ham, come from the root המם (Hamam), to confuse or stupefy, as in Ex. 14:24: The Egyptian host was numbed with astonishment when God glanced at them.

Now the name makes sense. Abraham is Ever-Ham, the numb limb. He’s going to breed so many babies that his you-know-what will get numb. His name after he earns God’s promise of future favors is Stupefied Male Organ.

For simplicity in translation, we’ll call him Stupid Prick.

Never mind the idols and the tent, what we really  know about Abraham is that he’s slow to listen to his wife (Gen 21:12), and any man who suffers the same hesitancy deserves the name we can finally give Abraham.

I’m glad we’ve got that sorted out.

People sometimes tell me I should have pictures on my blog.

I’m glad we’ve got that sorted out, too.

 

At the end of the book of Genesis, Joseph reassures his brothers that their evil action–selling him down to Egypt–was all part of God’s plan (See 45:5 and 50:20); they need not worry that he’ll take revenge.

I like to think that Genesis teaches us how to read the rest of the Torah. God becomes more remote at the stories unfold. At first, God is part of people’s social life, talking to Adam and Eve; then God appears in dreams, to Abraham and others; then God sends messengers (some say angels) to Hagar and others. God sends dreams to Joseph that predict the future. But Joseph understands something new, that God appears in history, too. If you understand your own story, you can see divine guidance in your life–even in the suffering you endure.

This prepares us to see God’s intervention in national history in Exodus and the remaining books of the Torah.

But how does Joseph know that God is behind his story? It’s hard to tell if something that happens is the divine hand pushing the buttons. However, I may have seen it happening on Tuesday, though I didn’t realize it at first.

We were in La Guardia airport, waiting for our 4:45 p.m. flight back to Detroit. Across from us sat a young man with a bright red yarmulkah, purple jacket, purple check shirt, and a grey wool coat and the usual frummster fedora hat. He looked like a nice young man and not too frumm for conversation. He said he was going back to Miami, to Lubavitch yeshivah, ready for smichah, not so that he could become a congregational or community rabbi, but so that he’d have the deep knowledge of Shabbat and Kashrut you’d need in any household.

He was on standby and had already missed a couple of flights.

He’d arrived at four in the morning. Oy! And he had missed his original flight because his driver got lost.

Lost on the way to the airport? Impossible.

Unless … unless … it’s gotta be more than a coincidence. Yup, it’s the Hand of God. If only we open the eyes of our soul (not that a soul has eyes, nor that we have one, nor that such a thing exists) we’ll see that the Red Yarmulkah Man is about to undergo a life-changing experience.

I wish I’d told him to keep an eye out for his besherrt, his destined bride (I’m a yenta, so whenever I see a young person I think about weddings). Lickety-split, he’ll be married, driving his wife to distraction by constantly interfering in the kitchen with kashrut questions (“My dear,  do you know what power magnifying glass do we need in order to check the asparagus for bugs?”). Otherwise, they’ll be happy as can be and blessed with eight children, and he’ll have an actual job with an income. May they be happy as clams. Oops, happy as something kosher … happy as potatoes or carrots.

Watch out, reader. Maybe God is sending you a message right now! I hope it portends happiness.

In this week’s Torah reading, The Life of Sarah, Abraham sends his servant Eliezer back home to find a wife for Isaac. Eliezer sets off with ten camels, gets to a well, and hopes some girl will offer to get water for him and his camels. His hopes are realized, and this is how he knows that the girl in question is the proper wife for Isaac.

Presumably, camels were the beast of choice for a long trip, since they had a bigger tank. Speaking of which, a camel can drink about 40 gallons at one time, so Rebeccah’s offer to water 10 camels was pretty generous. “Here’s a cup of water for you, sir, and I’ll just get another 400 gallons for the animals, no problem.”

Maybe she had help. Maybe she snapped her fingers and dozens of lackeys sprang into action, a bucket brigade to quench the thirsty mammals. If so, she was rich, and Eliezer had found a family that was not only related to Abraham’s but was also of similar social standing.

Eliezer’s prayer comes true: he imagines a woman who welcomes him with liberal and gracious–even extravagant–hospitality; and this very woman appears.

When dreams become a sort of reality, we can remember that horrible thought in King Lear–“Thoud’st shun a bear, / But if thy flight lay toward the roaring sea, / Thoud’st meet the bear i’ th’ mouth.” This becomes dramatic reality in The Winter’s Tale, with the famous stage direction, “Exit pursued by a bear.”

You can dream it, and it can become real.

For those who don’t believe in angels but think that Abraham’s experience of God is some kind of message rather like a vision, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah takes place in Abraham’s inner vision before he “awakes” to see the smoke and discover that his horrible “dream” has come true.

The Hebrew root for camel has two other meanings, and perhaps they’re related. Abraham throws a party when Isaac is weaned–weaned is the word that may somehow be related to camel. And when people pay each other back, generally in a bad way though sometimes for good, the word for pay back or requite is related to camel. At the end of the book of Genesis, Joseph’s brothers are afraid he’ll pay them back for what he did to them.

The connection between these concepts may be as coincidental as the English meanings for “fine” (okay) and “fine” (not okay when you get one for speeding).

But maybe Eliezer’s camels are symbolic, as a test of Rebeccah’s hospitality. She responds appropriately, so she is paid back or rewarded with a wealthy and holy husband. The book of Genesis often shows consequence for people’s actions, and perhaps the book is supposed to illustrate that humans have free will and our choices have consequences (though the right and the wrong of the choices and the good and the bad of the consequences are often fuzzy).

If that’s so, perhaps the camels were supposed to be dream-beasts as well as or instead of real beasts, a test for the proper use of wealth. Perhaps even weaning is related, the sign of an age at which children can begin their own moral training, with consequences such as being confined to the naughty stool.

Well, I dunno, but sometimes it’s fun to find out if coincidences can yield connections.