When I translate the Torah, I’ll translate the names. Not to do so is a cop-out, in my opiniated opinion.

Moses will be Drew, because Pharaoh’s daughter drew him out of the water.

Tziporah will be Birdie.

I don’t have it all worked out yet–don’t rush me.

Abram–אב רם/Av Ram–will be Big Daddy, like the guy who gave his name to the Greek restaurant chain.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to Abraham–אברהם/Avraham–although we’re way past his stories in the Torah reading, and I think I finally got it. God says he gets the name because he’s going to be father of loads of peoples, אב המון גוים/Av hamon goyim. Don’t take my word for it, look for yourself, in Genesis 17. But the Hebrew name Avraham doesn’t have much to do with Av Hamon Goyim. Where’s the R (resh) in “Av Hamon Goyim,” eh? Where are the G (gimel) and N (nun) in “Avraham”?

At this point, I invite my readers of delicate sensibility to stop reading. I can’t tell you why; it’s not appropriate for you even to think of such things.

Okay, adult readers. What do we know about Abraham? He had a tent with no sides, he ruined  his Daddy’s merchandise? No, that’s midrash and not in the Torah. What’s in the Torah is that he trimmed his pecker, to put it bluntly.

You can try and try to make “Father”-of-something out of  “Av-raham,” but your answer will always fall short. You have to break the whole name into two words, but make the break at a different point. The result is אבר הם, Ever Ham.

In English, we have lots of words for the male organ or membrum virile or penis or pecker or wiener or whatever else you call it.

Hebrew has a rich list, too, but one of the words used is the same word used for a limb: אבר, the first three letters of Abraham’s name. The last two letters, הם/Ham, come from the root המם (Hamam), to confuse or stupefy, as in Ex. 14:24: The Egyptian host was numbed with astonishment when God glanced at them.

Now the name makes sense. Abraham is Ever-Ham, the numb limb. He’s going to breed so many babies that his you-know-what will get numb. His name after he earns God’s promise of future favors is Stupefied Male Organ.

For simplicity in translation, we’ll call him Stupid Prick.

Never mind the idols and the tent, what we really  know about Abraham is that he’s slow to listen to his wife (Gen 21:12), and any man who suffers the same hesitancy deserves the name we can finally give Abraham.

I’m glad we’ve got that sorted out.

People sometimes tell me I should have pictures on my blog.

I’m glad we’ve got that sorted out, too.